I absolutely hate the word “blog”

A couple weeks ago, the gals from Go Fug Yourself put out a call for questions about Fashion Week. So I did… and they answered some of my questions in their Fashion Week follow-up, and even left two with my original wording!

Here are my questions (my wording in bold):

Do people recognize you at the shows — designers, celebrities, Fug favorites like Chloë Sevigny — and if so, is it high noon at the OK Corral, or are you able to observe more unnoticed? Do you ever get people sucking up to you horrendously once they figure out that your pen is mightier than their leggings line?

FUG GIRLS: Nobody has recognized us that we know of — and honestly, we’d be surprised if they ever tried, not least because the cluster of reporters, photographers, and flashbulbs is so dizzying. We’re pretty sure celebrities barely have a chance to check that they’re in the right seat, much less wonder where those two cranky girl bloggers might be. And we’re never backstage, so we don’t interact with the designers.

Of all the celebrities you’ve seen at Fashion Week, were you surprised by any of their appearances? Whose skin looks like leather? Who has secret varicose veins and bunions? Who shows up all flaky from some chemical peel?

FUG GIRLS: Parker Posey looked a little rough last season, although having since seen her terrible short-lived Fox show The Return of Jezebel James, we can understand why. As former models go, we weren’t blown away by Veronica Webb and Helena Christensen, both of whom mostly looked tired. However, most of them are all spackled up and dressed to the nines, so we’re more struck by people who don’t get sufficient credit for their hotness — for instance, in person, Aisha Tyler is six feet of awesome.

I’m such a cheater. I’m a sucker for 2-for-1 deals and free shipping minimums, so I often wind up ordering extra things I don’t really need in order to get a discount. Usually, this winds up being something I’d use up anyway, like shampoo, so it’s no big deal.

But recently, I feel deeply in love with a shirt from delia*s that cost a pretty penny when you calculated the full price plus shipping and handling. But I adore cherry blossom patterns, and grey is my best color, and it’s hard to find T-shirts that are so nice and long for my tall frame, and I just kinda HAD to have it because it was perfect in every way.

Their T-shirts were on a buy two get $10 off deal. And I found a free shipping coupon somewhere online, but it was only valid if I bought both shirts to hit the minimum order amount. So I sucked it up and picked out a second shirt I didn’t really want. The total order was only a little more than my first shirt plus S&H costs, so I rationalized it away, of course, knowing it wouldn’t be cost-effective to pay to return the second one by mail.

But lucky me, the second “filler” shirt got back-ordered. So I got the first shirt, with the two-shirt discount, and the free shipping. And I was able to call and cancel the second shirt, and still keep all my discounts. (And it looks awesome on me.) Aaaaah, I love a legitimate shopping cheat deal!

One of life’s cruel ironies: I seem to have gone down a notch in my favorite belt lately. But I can’t tell if it’s because I lost weight, or because my leather belt got stretched out.

Don’t mess with my head like that, Belt! It’s just not right. Belts should come pre-stretched the way clothing comes pre-washed.

On our trip to the UK, Grant and I spotted some new fashion trends that ranged from adorable to amusing to abjectly painful. And I know this is waaaay old, given that I should’ve actually posted it back when we returned from the UK in early October… but alas, better late than never. These trends annoyed me so much that I had to continue my previous Bitching About Fashion trend. I’m sure by now the London Ladies are all moving on to feather-boa-trimmed one-shouldered sundresses in anticipation of three weeks of spring, but I still need to get this out of my system, if belatedly.

Now, before my fashion-forward Imaginary Readers start accusing me of being an old fuddy-duddy who hates all things new and trendy, let me state that there were several trends that I found adorable (i.e. smartly belted coats, coats with asymetrical apertures or big funky buttons, funnel-neck or convertible collars, some black patterned tights, jersey bubble skirts…), and there were also some that I found questionable but still cute on the right person (i.e. riding-style boots over skinny jeans, lacy black tights…).

However. There were a few fall fashion trends that I need to go ahead and caution fellow fashion-philes against, for the greater good:

77) Do not, I repeat, DO NOT think that a drop-waisted belted coat will be flattering in any way. When you place a belt at the hip part of a coat, it makes you look like you’re either pregnant or misshapen (or both). It’s not cute, even if it is trendy. It just looks WRONG. Hip-slung belts are fine on jeans or even over the right dress, if that’s your thing. But they do not work with bulky outerwear. Ladies of London, please take note.

78) If you choose to wear boots OVER your jeans, which already looks a bit questionable and ridiculous in most cases, please make sure the jeans are not, in fact, WIDER than the boots. The stuffing-a-turkey look is not flattering when it comes to footwear. Skinny jeans only for this look, please. And if you, like myself, are not flattered by skinny jeans? Please simply skip the skinny-jeans-under-boots look. It’s the same cram concept outlined above, but with slightly different variables — doesn’t mean it looks any better. Let’s not kid ourselves, please.

79) Dogs do not belong in purses, as I have outlined previously. Some of you seem to forget this rule all too quickly. Please do not force me to include Poopsie defecating on your lip gloss in my fashion wishes.

80) When it comes to hoisery, the line between funky and trashy can be very fine. But it’s worth going out of your way not to overstep it. Stop and think — did something similar appear in Pretty Woman? Basic Instinct? Hot Wet XXX Adult Fun, Volumes 1-17? Really, gals. Black lace is GENERALLY best reserved for underwear, though I agree that a few exceptions do exist. Black fishnet is generally best reserved for Halloween, or your night job. Black patterns can be questionable, but if you choose to go with a crazy pattern on your tights, maybe consider holding off on the plaid coat, or the zany floral top, and let the legs be in the spotlight. I mean, you KNOW this trend can’t last, so you might as well soak it up while you can and give your upper half a break.

81) Speaking of plaid trench coats — if your coat looks like it would be better as a kilt, then perhaps your tartan is a bit too, well, tartan. I can’t tell you how painful it was to spend a chunk of time in Scotland, surrounded by touristy shops selling tartans for every lad and lass in the land, and then traveling down to London only to discover that that garish pattern was actually COOL according to some idiot at Chanel. Plaid is almost always ugly, except in a few select circumstances (like Christmas, or Lumberjack Day, or again, Halloween). Plaid with garish black buttons just makes you look like you’re shopping at Talbot’s three decades too early.

82) We’ve discussed crazy legwear in item the eighty-second. Tights are, by and large, an unfortunate means to an end, in that skirts are cute and winters are cold. But please, my dears, take note: You are hereby FORBIDDEN to wear tights under shorts. That’s right, forbidden.

Seriously. Who even reads this?

Thanks to Christian’s help, I can now sort of answer that question, but it doesn’t help much. I pretty much just get spam comments for Levitra now. Which is truly my own fault — it’s been SO LONG since I’ve paid this poor blog proper attention. The hiatus has been largely due to some tech issues, and they’re now mostly solved, at last.

And thanks, too, to help from my dear “domestic partner”, as the kids are calling it these days. Having a free in-house graphic designer pretty much rocks. This and my newly-revamped skincare website, AllEyesOnHer.com, sport rockin’ graphics and customized tweaks that were all the work of The Amazing Grant.

In all my tech-unsavvy months of waiting, I’ve been mentally saving up all these witty blog posts that are now rendered totally pointless. So why don’t I just give you an abridged version? (Yep, New Imaginary Readers, trust me: this *is* abridged for me. Check the archives.)

Outdated Post #1: People Dress Like Idiots

Case(s) in point: Drop-waisted coats are probably the ugliest and most unflattering trend of 2007.

That, or the stupid tuck-your-jeans-into-boots thing. Especially when those jeans are baggy and those boots are tight. COME on, people! Not flattering! Katie Holmes, for shame.

These girls all look dumb. This makes me sad. Trends do not have to be so regrettable. Sigh. Alas, two years from now when everyone’s over the totally hot drop-waisted coat fad, they’ll probably start to grow on me.

Outdated Post #2: What is Up with the Pumpkins?

I went for a walk with my friend Jill around Green Lake, just before Thanksgiving. And there were TONS of pumpkins discarded all over the lake! Very strange. It was well after Halloween, and it was as if the entire neighborhood had collectively decided to litter their old squashes there. And, I mean, that’s a nice neighborhood, ya know? You don’t see trees strewn with TP in all the front yards of Green Lake houses after Halloween. So why the pumpkins?

I mean seriously. Throw away your pumpkins, people. What happens when they rot? Are you trying to poison the ducks?

…Yeah, so that’s pretty much been it these past few months — bitchin’ about ugly clothes and fruit litter. Oh, and I don’t have a JOB, as I was let go exactly two weeks after Grant was laid off from HIS job back in October, so yeah. But Grant’s just accepted a great new position, and I’ve been juggling lots of interviews and things are looking much better now that we’re in the new year, so hurrah! 2008 is all about being in a job you actually enjoy, with people you like to work with. Thankfully, the interviews I’ve been on so far have only been with exceptional people, and even if nothing comes of it, it’s been a refreshing start to the year!

But yeah, being unemployed and all, I really have no excuse for not having blogged all this time. I’ll make it up to you, Imaginary Readers. I promise.